This is an excerpt from the hilarious satirical novel, Tony Blair: The Wilderness Years, by Ian Duncan Smith. You can download Tony Blair: The Wilderness Years for free.

Tony's Postcard from Ardrossan

"The trouble with Ardrossan," said the taxi driver. "Is it drives men a little bit mad, sir, so that won't be a problem for you, sir."

I saw the sign for Ardrossan. It made me want to open the car door and jump, although I wasn't scared in a weedy way, but in a manly way. Fear was like, so good for the soul. There would have been the fort to see, but that was closed for refurbishment, silent refurbishment that cost no one anything.

"And that's the way we like it Tony," said Mrs. Harris, my landlady.

Ardossan's beach was covered with seaweed, faded coloured ropes and every shape and size of plastic carton ever created. Curling lines of debris shunted towards me, and it wasn't a romantic proposition. No surfing wave was likely to end its three thousand-mile journey at my feet, and there wasn't a snow-capped mountain for me to soar above in sight, although it looked okay for a spot of jet-skiing.

I needed to know where the nearest MacDonald's was, and I had to be seen in it with ordinary working folk just like me eating chips. I needed to develop a popular front. There wasn't a MacDonald's in sight.

Note: Ardrossan, Invershneckieshire must not be confused with the other Ardrossan in North Ayrshire. We apologise for any confusion that may have arisen, and urge you to buy the book.

HOME