This is an excerpt from the hilarious novel, Tony Blair: The Wilderness Years, by Ian Duncan Smith. You can download Tony Blair: The Wilderness Years for free.

Tony's Visitor Notes

All Rooms Non-Smoking As of Yesterday. The Machiavellian boasts a wealth of creature comforts. All rooms ensuite with tea-making facilities, trouser press and complementary chocolate.

I stood up and looked round. The Hotel Machiavellian was very smart, but it should have been called the Tartan Hotel. It was decked out with the heads of various animals. There was a surplus of tartan, a riot of tartan, a whole Hogmanay of tartan light shades, and a tartan-topped reception desk. I walked over to the reception desk, swaggering defiantly in front of the steel briefcases, adjusting my baseball cap. They didn't know they were playing with fire.

In my room, there were a couple of small white boxes on the bedside cabinet. The first contained a hairnet, which I tried on, very fetching. The next contained a tiny sewing kit. I kneeled on the bed, took off my jacket and pulled it inside out. I tried to thread the cotton onto the needle, jabbed my finger, and lit my first cigarette instead. It had been a long time. I saw a tiny fridge, walked over to it, and removed a cold one. I lifted back a net curtain to look out of the window, and blew smoke on the glass. I could see the lights of Invershneckie below. There was definitely no MacDonald's in Invershneckie. The lights only extended a short way, and Invershneckie was tiny, glowing like a car's headlights fading into the middle of nowhere. I was a long way from my constituents, but these people needed me desperately.

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